When A Therapist Decides To Go Gray.
The Cover-up.
I started going gray in my late 20’s. For thirty years I have covered it up.
I’m 56 now. I’ve been thinking about letting my hair go gray for a long time. I thought I would do it as a gift to myself when I turned 50. That birthday slid by. To be fair, there were a lot of other things going on in my life at the time, both good and bad. Change requires the right timing and that was not the year.
As I get older it has become harder to manage the cover-up. My gray hair, gone white, now shows after two weeks. I am tired of all of the time and money I’m putting into the cover-up. I don’t want to invest that energy anymore.
There is also something in the idea of going gray. A freedom.
I am ready to let go. The appointment is set. I have moved through pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, and am now ready for action. I’ve arrived at the moment – the cliff’s edge, ready to jump into the abyss, unsure of what lies on the other side.
With this a lot of thoughts and emotions are coming up.
Fear, doubt, excitement, anticipation.
I am surprised to find how deeply some of these thoughts and emotions go to my core identity.
Since the day I was born I have had brown hair. According to my stylist, we are going to do this process by highlighting my entire head. As time goes forward those highlights will blend with my gray until I have a full head of white hair. However, initially I will be more blond than gray.
Two things arise for me with this. Both unexpected.
The first is grief. Really. I am shocked to discover grief lies here. This hair I have had for my entire life will be gone. I will never again see this same visage. I let go of so much when I let go of that.
The second is wariness. I was not prepared for a blond stage. This is the opposite of what I have always been. It feels weird and foreign to me. What will that look like? Feel like? How will people respond? Will my clients freak out? (BTW, yes, I have been giving them a fair heads up before the change!)
Once I am gray, will I disappear in the eyes of others? My chocolate brown tresses gone quiet. Will people still see me? Respect me? Will clients think I’m too old?
I’ve always looked my younger than I am. How does this change? How will it feel to release that part of me?
So many questions. So many emotions.
As I grappled with pulling the trigger on this, I realized, this is all metaphor for our clients’ experience with change.
Changes, even seemingly simple ones, can be fraught with deep meanings, beliefs, and core identities. It goes to how hard change is. Even good change.
I have been covering up my true self for 30 years vis a vis my hair. There will be freedom in letting it go. Yet, so many emotions. So how is this any different for our clients? Even when their cover-ups cost them, at least they are familiar and known.
As big as this is for me, I have the full support of my friends and my husband. Imagine if I didn’t. What if they were telling me how much they hate this change? What if making this choice meant the people in my life rejected me or even threatened to leave me? Would I still do it? How hard would that be to then jump off the cliff?
When we walk the journey of change with our clients, we need to hold all of these pieces with them. The grief of loss in change, the fear of the unknown, the hope of freedom, the costs that come with it. If the price of freedom is rejection or the loss of relationships – even unhealthy ones – we have to reckon that with them. We need to honor that timing is crucial and change will not take place until the timing is right.
I often talk to my clients about the ways we get stuck in the jump. It terrifies us. We get fixated on the moment of the leap, rather than looking towards what is on the other side. The other side is unknown to us, so it is always a leap of faith.
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I have to find my own courage to lean into the belief that I will like it on the other side.
I need to let go of the societal tropes about gray hair, the whispers in my mind. Embrace the fear and let the grief be present. Can I tell you how powerful it is to have voices of support to help counter all of that noise?
The change is going to take time, expense, patience. There will be days I am sure I will long for my old hair and miss it. I have to lean into all of this. We need to help our clients lean into it as well.
It’s just hair color, but of course it is so much more.
As we journey with our clients through their evolutions, we need to remember how hard and fundamental change can be. We need to remember that even when change is good and releases us, we resist it. We need to hold space for the surprising grief, the fear of the unknown, and the hope for freedom from the cover-up.
We also need to always remember the gift and power of supportive voices in the midst of change. We should never underestimate the power of our therapist voice as we walk the road of change with our clients.
I love helping therapists build successful private practices! For more great information like this to help you build yours, make sure to check out the Master Course and the Mini Courses. I’m here to support you and I want to help you reach your dream!
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